I haven't posted here for some time.

Things in my life have gone from calamity to disaster to Thanatoid, and while I'm taking it very well if you ask me, I'm still in rotten spirits.  I've mostly kept to myself for a while now, and I think I've fooled almost everybody, although one or two do occasionally sense something's up.  Honestly, I've lost my sense of trust in people at the worst possible time in my life, and I don't think I've ever felt more alone, let alone been more afraid of being alone.  I've lost heaps of sleep, I've lost about 5kg (maybe more), and I find it very difficult to concentrate.  I make stupid decision after stupid decision, and it's costing me financially, physically and mentally.  When things went from bad to worse, I was so wrought with despair that I did what I always do to in such crises:  I built.  The games room.  If you saw it, or saw me working on it, if you weren't immediately "wow"ed by it, you'd probably think it was a little OCD.  I could say I have good days and I have bad days, but I'd be lying; I have good moments and I have bad moments.  It's the old quagmire of mental quicksand problem all over again.  Am I depressed?  Don't know, don't care.  I'd rather say I have a problem that I intend to fix.

Seriously.  Look at me on July 15th or before.  Look at me now.  Is any part of me the same?  Have I matured, or just changed?

The reason I'm posting this here is not to ask that I may emotionally dump on you, because I have no intention.  You will notice I've not actually stated the cause of any problem, because I'm not interested in blame.  How can good come out of bad?  It can't.  All I ask is if you are my friend, could you please just keep this all in mind and look out for me?  I'm coping, I suppose, but I do feel like I'm losing grip here, and I don't believe in seeing a psychiatrist or anything like that.  I guess the best way to sum it all up is "fear".  And if nobody reads this and/or nobody does a thing, rest assured I will rise again.  This is about mercy, or saving pain.  My solution is to latch onto something, an idea or project, and milk it dry.  Reading doesn't seem a good idea, I like to read biographies.  I read Stephen Fry's Moab is my Washpot and it was downright depressing, albeit a great and very deep read.

I still believe that my life will never be worse than it is right now, and that that's a good thing as it means I have the whole world to gain.

I'm also sorry that it's come to posting this.  I honestly thought I was stronger.  At least I'm not weaker.